So I intended to get up early and go to 10AM Mass this morning. 10AM and I’m sitting in bed. Oops. 10AM may not seem early but it takes half an hour to walk to the church and then I like to have at least 15 minutes to pray before Mass so I usually leave like an hour before Mass. Alas, I will just have to go at 12PM as usual.
Last night was one of the times I feel really scared. There’s a lot to give up and even though I feel like I’m almost certain, there are times when I just look at what I’m doing and think ‘I won’t have this any more’. I look at my make-up, my nail polishes, my hair products and realise I’ll be giving all those things up. They may not be essentials but I still have them and use them. But then discerning is helping me realise how many superfluous possessions I have. In my head part of me is going through my things and deciding what to do with them. A lot of it will probably be given to my sister, the things she or anyone else in my family then don’t want given to charity.
Then I wonder about the things I would be allowed to take. It’s the sort of thing I’ll ask when I visit but until then I’m wondering. I’d hope I could take my religious things, things like my rosaries (one from my father and one from RCIA) and my Bible (given in RCIA) and my cross (a confirmation gift). My copy of The Imitation of Christ, another confirmation gift. A little crucifix I keep on my mantelpiece, a tile I bought in Rome that says ‘Veni Sancte Spiritus’.
Right now I feel really positive about it. But there are times when I’m sad and scared. One of the things I keep reminding myself is that it’s not like I’d enter the abbey and then that was it, I wouldn’t take solemn vows for at least five years. So there would be plenty of time to figure out if it wasn’t right for me.
Time to get ready for Mass!