One of my big fears I’ve had in discernment is being rejected.
I’ve been researching orders and started to narrow down orders I was drawn to. But only one order really peaked my interest, I felt really drawn to that particular order. It’s a Benedictine monastery, conveniently not too far from where I live at the moment. I’ve been listening to their Gregorian Chants from their website and it’s just so beautiful. I feel so drawn to that order and though there are other orders I was interested in I didn’t feel the same immediate connection to it in the same way I did with this one. Because I felt drawn mostly to that order, I developed this fear that the community would reject me and then I’d be stuck. I supposed I might feel differently once I’ve visited the community but I had this horrible fear that I’d fall in love with it even more and then they’d say no and I’d just be completely devastated. That worried more than any of the other things I’ve been thinking about.
Yesterday I was looking through my normal sites and found a reference to an order I’d never heard of before. I don’t know why, perhaps it was that I hadn’t heard of it in my research and was curious. I found a branch of the order in the UK and though their website didn’t actually reference joining the community or anything like that it’s become my second choice. I’ll still visit it, I want to make sure I’ve visited more than just the one order – unless of course my first choice is so amazing that I can’t bear the thought of being anywhere else! So I’m feeling a lot more relaxed now, I’m not feeling quite so panicky about the thought of being rejected by my preferred order anymore.
On a separate note, I’ve been developing my devotion to the Blessed Mother recently. I bought a little statue of the Blessed Mother to put in my room (it’s right next to my bed) and there is a little chapel to her in my church and I’ve been going there to pray recently. I can spend an hour there, first with my prayer booklet and reading all the prayers to Our Lady there and then just talking to her. There’s no-one quite like a mother, and we all have the greatest one of all!