I started this blog almost two weeks ago. You’d think that wasn’t too long ago but a lot has changed since then. Two weeks ago was the first time I’d ever told anyone about my discernment. One of my first posts was talking about how I couldn’t talk to anyone about my discernment.
My biggest concern was always my family. It’s just me, my mother and my sister. My mother is a non-practicing Anglican, my sister is somewhat atheist/agnostic. My mother is generally supportive of my faith but also tends to be funny about me being ‘overly’ religious. My sister is the same and tends to joke about my faith. Whether they are just teasing or this shows an underlying discomfort with my beliefs, I don’t really know. Either way, it leads to my being sincerely concerned about how they will feel about my vocation.
I know it will not be an easy thing for them to hear. My mother wants grandchildren, I know that the things she will be wanting for my life are marriage and children and a career – just as most mothers would. She will also be upset about not being able to see me often. Even more fundamentally, I don’t think she will understand the concept of this being a calling rather than just a ‘I just randomly decided to become a nun’. My sister won’t understand either, she’ll probably just joke and laugh and not take it seriously.
So naturally I’ve been pretty terrified about telling them. I know I need to soon though – with my change in after-university plans they’ll have questions about why and what I plan on doing now. I can’t just evade those kinds of questions forever. I also want to visit Tyburn Convent soon, perhaps from home rather than from university since it’s closer. So I’d have to explain that as well. And I’ve also found that I want to tell them. I want to share my discernment with them, to make it easier for them and because I want them to be a part of my journey. I want them to visit the community so I can share it with them.
I’m visiting home on Thursday so perhaps I will find an opportunity over that time to have the discussion with my mother. I want to discuss it privately with her first before we start talking about it with my sister and the rest of my more extended family. I’m terrified still but I feel like the Lord is giving me the strength and motivation to do this for a reason. I’ve always been afraid of the judgement of others so maybe this is a lesson in just embracing my fear and getting on with it anyway.