Selfish

So I told you I’d explain more about my mother’s reaction to my vocation and so here it is.

She did not take it well. She cannot understand the beauty of the life or why I would want that life. She thinks I’ve been wasting the time I’ve spent studying. She took the aspect that I wouldn’t be seeing my family very hard and she did take it very personally. I tried to emphasise it wasn’t definite and it wasn’t on a whim and it wasn’t just to hide from the world. At first she was shocked and upset but on the later days she just seemed angry at me. She kept telling me I hadn’t thought about it enough and I was just annoyed at that because I have and am thinking very carefully about this. It’s very typical of her, she can’t see anything beyond her own take and tends to then try and impose that on others.

I’m not feeling as negative as I was but I’m still sad. I think until now I had an almost selfish view on my discernment – I thought very much about myself, what I was giving up, could I live that life. I think I got so caught up in my own joy that I forgot the effect it might have on other people. I knew the sacrifices I was choosing but I forgot the sacrifices I would be imposing on others. I feel so impossibly short-sighted for not realising those things. It makes me wonder if I should have waited to tell anyone, if I just got so caught up in my own blinding excitement that I failed to see something important, something that would have made me realise I should have waited?

For the first time, I feel this doubt. Not that I am called, I still feel sure of that, but doubt as to whether I can really do this. I can live that life and make the sacrifices, I know that, but can I cause that much pain to my loved ones?

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4 thoughts on “Selfish

  1. Hello! One of the best things about this blog is discovering just how much my experiences are shared by other discerning women and seeing from that that even in difficult times there is hope because others have been there before and gotten through it.

  2. Hi EmilyAnn/Emiliana! I came here from Phatmass. I know it's a bit late but I was amazed to read this because I've been through the same thoughts, word for word I could have written it. It does get easier :)Marigold

  3. For me those things I "miss out on" don't matter. Those aren't the things I want from my life or the things that are important to me. What I desire is cloistered life, and all the sacrifices and blessings that come with it. Even if I did not enter religious life, I would still live my life for the service of God. I want my life to show the glory of God and be a light of Christ to the world. For me, entering religious life is the way I feel I can best do that and the way God is calling me to follow. Following that calling is the best way I can serve my fellow man.

  4. If you go through with this you are going to miss out on a lot of things in life. This will all be for some invisible entity that you can't see, hear, or touch. Why not live for yourself? You can still help your fellow man.

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