So I told you I’d explain more about my mother’s reaction to my vocation and so here it is.
She did not take it well. She cannot understand the beauty of the life or why I would want that life. She thinks I’ve been wasting the time I’ve spent studying. She took the aspect that I wouldn’t be seeing my family very hard and she did take it very personally. I tried to emphasise it wasn’t definite and it wasn’t on a whim and it wasn’t just to hide from the world. At first she was shocked and upset but on the later days she just seemed angry at me. She kept telling me I hadn’t thought about it enough and I was just annoyed at that because I have and am thinking very carefully about this. It’s very typical of her, she can’t see anything beyond her own take and tends to then try and impose that on others.
I’m not feeling as negative as I was but I’m still sad. I think until now I had an almost selfish view on my discernment – I thought very much about myself, what I was giving up, could I live that life. I think I got so caught up in my own joy that I forgot the effect it might have on other people. I knew the sacrifices I was choosing but I forgot the sacrifices I would be imposing on others. I feel so impossibly short-sighted for not realising those things. It makes me wonder if I should have waited to tell anyone, if I just got so caught up in my own blinding excitement that I failed to see something important, something that would have made me realise I should have waited?
For the first time, I feel this doubt. Not that I am called, I still feel sure of that, but doubt as to whether I can really do this. I can live that life and make the sacrifices, I know that, but can I cause that much pain to my loved ones?