I haven’t written anything in a while. I guess when I’m home it’s a lot harder, I don’t have that time to myself the way I do when I’m away. Every time I just want to be by myself in my room I’m told off for being anti-social or it’s all “what are you hiding?” The answer to the latter would be well, this blog and my forums. So anyway that’s why I haven’t written in a while. Another reason is that I like to write when I’m happy, not so much when I’m sad. Recently I’ve been sad, hence the lack of writing.
My mother is still upset. It got to the stage where I just got so upset I told her I wouldn’t do it. I just couldn’t take it any more, I’ve had the worst term ever and with all of that still going on I just snapped. So now I’m kind of at this crossroads. I want to continue, the calling is still there in my soul. I crave the life still. But can I really cause my family this much pain? If that’s just one reaction and I can’t cope with that, how on earth am I supposed to cope with everyone’s reactions? It just seems all too much.
I haven’t heard back from Tyburn yet or contacted the other communities. I want to start the visiting and I feel like that will really tell me if this is my calling but now I have to do it all in secret and in hiding. That is very frustrating. I’m almost wondering now if it’s all worth it, if there’s a point in even trying.
I might make an appointment with one of my parish priests when I get back. He’s also a convert and also experienced trouble with his close relatives when discerning the priesthood (we had a little chat after Mass one day) so he should be able to sympathise with my struggles.
Please keep me in yours prayers. I’m feeling a little desolate at the moment.