I haven’t posted for a while aside from the online retreat I was doing. I had deadlines recently and so that cut into my blogging time.
The last week has been quite difficult for me. Over last weekend, I found out that a friend of my sister’s had committed suicide. It wasn’t a friend I knew but for some reason it affected me very deeply and I was really upset by it. Then on Monday a friend of mine entered Carmel, which on the one hand was lovely to hear about and was very exciting for all of us who knew her but but at the same time it was very sad and very emotional because she is very much missed and though I know it is fantastic to hear it is still very sad that she is no longer such a part of our lives are she was. It was both very exciting and very sad which is always a difficult position to be in. And then of course my deadlines, which is always a stressful time in itself so it has not been the easiest week for me.
I don’t know if this is an effect of having been at home but I feel very spiritually empty at the moment. I don’t find my home parish very spiritually fulfilling and with the difficulties I had with my vocation and my family it was a very trying time. But either way recently I’ve been feeling very far from God. Not in the sense that He is absent entirely but more of a sense that He is simply far away. It makes the whole discernment process very strange because though I still feel the draw to religious life it’s a very different kind of draw. I’m hoping that as I start going to Daily Mass and Adoration more often again that things will improve. I know many saints experienced times of spiritual dryness and that does encourage me but it is still a difficult time. I went to the church today and I spent some time just standing before the tabernacle and I started crying because I felt so lost. I suppose it’s even more frustrating because God doesn’t feel absent but just far away and that is more frustrating because God is there but I just can’t seem to access Him.