I watch a lot of videos on vocations and I hear a lot of the vocation stories of others in my various forums. I have to read a lot of them now for my work on The Vocation Operation so I can post them up. They’re all so incredible but the ones that really strike me are the ones with these beautiful mystical experiences. I’ve heard of women who hear heavenly voices calling to them, prophetic voices saying “you will be Christ’s bride” and “will you marry me?”, and have these deep, powerful spiritual moments. I have never had one of these and I was always very content in that.
Until recently I’d always seen them as amazing experiences and great gifts but never really thought about it much more than that. But for some reason I’ve found myself desperately craving that mystical experience. I’m almost envious of those who have them because I just think they’re so lucky and blessed and I just think why don’t I have that? Am I not worthy, am I not special enough, am I not really called? It’s stupid and childish, I know that, but it just makes me feel rejected. Am I not holy enough? Is my faith not strong enough? Does God simply love them more than me?
I’m trying so hard not to be asking God for a sign but I just want one so much. The stubborn little child part of me wants to just stamp my feet and be like “Okay God, I’m willing to give you everything, I’m giving you everything, so just give me something back. Just give me this one little sign.” I’ve been at such a loss with my discernment for the past few weeks and I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. That stubborn little child is just thinking”If you want me to be a nun then stop dragging me over all the rocks and mountains and just set me on the path.”
It doesn’t help that when I get stressed I get like super scrupulous. There’s a penitential service at my parish tomorrow so hopefully I’ll feel better after that.