Sometimes I wonder if all this is just indulging a fantasy. There are times when I feel like a child playing house, only I’m a grown woman playing nun. I think part of my problem is that I can’t integrate this into my daily life. I can’t tell anyone that I’m discerning so I keep it separate from my daily life. My discernment is this hidden indulgence, sneakily posting here and on my forums when there’s no-one in the house.

But if it were just an indulgence would it seep into the rest of my life the way this does? When I’m in the world I feel fake, like I’m hiding from everyone. And I am, I’m hiding the discerner. It’s like a fire inside me and no matter how hard I’ve tried to quench it, it’s still there. When I was at my retreat it finally fit, for a fleeting moment I could let it be seen and be heard knowing that here I would treated as valid.

If it were just a fantasy would I want it this badly? Surely a fantasy is something you let yourself dream about but know that it can never happen. I don’t know that this can never happen. All I can imagine for my future is being behind a grille. I belong on the other side.

It is not the hidden side of me that is indulging a fantasy. It is the side of me that everyone can see. I indulge in a fantasy that I could ever be anything else when I know I can’t.

4 thoughts on “Fantasy

  1. Like Natasha said, I found it a bit more "real" when I started telling people. Some were supportive; others were not. Also, be prepared that some people will say "yes, you would be a great nun" and others will say "I can't see it." Take their words into consideration, but not to heart, if that makes any sense. Praying for you as you talk to your family about it.

  2. Yes, my mother is very disapproving. I tried to tell her but she was so angry that I stopped discerning for a while. I know in my heart I have to be honest with her and live for myself rather than her but it is difficult. I have told a few people, my parish priest, my university chaplain and the sisters at the community I want to discern with, but I do think you are right I need to start being more open about it. When I have told people before it just seems so much like the right path. Thank you, God BlessEmily

  3. You are keeping this quiet because of your parents, right? Parents often have fantasies about what their children should do. The pressure can be immense. But this is not the reason to let them run your life. When would it stop? Would they want to choose your career, your husband, the city you should live in? Eventually you will have to make some kind of decision about your life and your mum still might disapprove. From what I've read it sounds she has control issues. Setting boundaries gets a bit easier as we get older, if that is any consolation. May I suggest you start telling people you are discerning? Actually saying it will make a difference. If this is a fantasy it will soon become obvious. But I really doubt it since you are so passionate about it. I will keep you in my prayers.

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