Sometimes I wonder if all this is just indulging a fantasy. There are times when I feel like a child playing house, only I’m a grown woman playing nun. I think part of my problem is that I can’t integrate this into my daily life. I can’t tell anyone that I’m discerning so I keep it separate from my daily life. My discernment is this hidden indulgence, sneakily posting here and on my forums when there’s no-one in the house.
But if it were just an indulgence would it seep into the rest of my life the way this does? When I’m in the world I feel fake, like I’m hiding from everyone. And I am, I’m hiding the discerner. It’s like a fire inside me and no matter how hard I’ve tried to quench it, it’s still there. When I was at my retreat it finally fit, for a fleeting moment I could let it be seen and be heard knowing that here I would treated as valid.
If it were just a fantasy would I want it this badly? Surely a fantasy is something you let yourself dream about but know that it can never happen. I don’t know that this can never happen. All I can imagine for my future is being behind a grille. I belong on the other side.
It is not the hidden side of me that is indulging a fantasy. It is the side of me that everyone can see. I indulge in a fantasy that I could ever be anything else when I know I can’t.