This is something of a sequel to a previous post: Love.
I was just speaking to this friend of mine on Skype. The more I try and grapple with the way I feel the more confused I am. As I said in my previous post, the dynamic of the way I feel has changed. I’m not in love with him the way I once was but I care about him in a way I don’t feel for anyone else. I’ve never loved anyone the way I love him. Is that sad, the only love of my life and it’s unrequited? Just talking to him makes me so happy. That may sound normal for talking to a friend who lives so far away (opposite sides of the earth for us) but it’s always been that way. My friends at school could always tell when we’d been together because I’d return to them with a big smile. I’m myself around him in a way I’m not around anyone else, he knows parts of me that I’ve never shared with even my closest friends. I care about him so much. As much as I wish it wasn’t true, I love him. It’s so stupid and so pathetic, that I still love him after so long. I wish I didn’t, I really do, but somehow I can’t. Maybe it’s because I’ve never let go of that fantasy, or maybe I’ve never let go of that fantasy because I love him. I’ve tried so hard to not love him but it just doesn’t seem to happen. It’s so frustrating because it was a nothing – we never had a relationship, we are just two people who went to high school together and became friends.
I feel so guilty for loving him so much. Is that stupid? I feel like on some level it’s holding me back – I feel this calling to religious life and I want to follow it. I’m discerning, I’m trying to follow it. But I feel guilty because I feel like I’m not giving as much to Christ as I can because I love someone else. I want to give everything to Christ and I’m trying so hard, I’m doing everything I can to try and follow His calling. But it’s like He is calling me to be His bride and I’m saying yes, all the while having that tiny longing for someone else. Even if I’m choosing Him, that tiny longing feels like I’m rejecting Christ, like I’m not truly giving myself to Him. Someone reminded me that God’s love is so great and that just makes me feel worse, that He loves me so much but there’s something blocking me. Am I stupid for feeling like this is such a big deal? Does my giving everything to God count if I love this friend that much?