On Sunday I decided to go Mass at the cathedral in town rather than my parish. Father P knows about my discernment and he hasn’t been around the last few times I’ve been to the cathedral. Finally he was there today so I was able to tell him about my live-in and stuff. Obviously I’ve written about it here and on my forums and stuff but it was nice to have a “real” person to tell about it. Father was really happy to hear things are going well for me, he knows the community quite well.
I’ve written before about my problems with dealing with my feelings for a friend of mine. I was dealing a lot better recently. I can’t remember who it was but someone suggested to me that I entrust him to the Blessed Virgin and that helped a lot. Being on my live-in helped a lot. It all seemed like it was falling into place. It is falling into place. Hopefully, I will be entering in just over year, assuming things keep going in this direction.
I’m struggling at the moment. I still feel like my vocation is to the cloister. I’m just feeling confused at the moment. I don’t know if this is some kind of a test of my resolve. Maybe it is. And I know the Lord doesn’t give us more than we can handle but I don’t feel like I can right now. My heart feels like it’s being torn in two. I want two things that completely oppose each other. I’m scared of entering and discerning that it’s not my calling and losing the other. I’m scared of losing everything.
Please keep me in your prayers.