Punishment

I have never forgiven myself for my mistakes. I wish more than anything that I could change the things I’ve done but I can’t. I feel tainted, I feel unclean. I’m not that person anymore. I know that. Two years later and I am not that person. But it still haunts me.  I live in constant fear that people will find out and will judge me. More than that, I fear the things that are important to me will be taken from me because once people find out what I’ve done then that’s all they’ll see. Because sometimes it’s all I see. I feel like I can’t be forgiven. The worst part is that I can’t even remember why. If I had a reason, a real reason, I could make sense of it. But I don’t.

I feel like I’m being punished for my sins.

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6 thoughts on “Punishment

  1. I have been in situations where old friends and acquaintances brought up the bad old days and talked about things I'd rather forget. I felt so ashamed. Some accusingly said that I was different and asked what was so wrong about things we did back then. I simply replied that I changed and that I see things differently now and that I have regrets. Some people accept this as an explanation, while others don't. In my experience the religious are not the judgemental types, they have seen and heard it all. They know better than to judge one's past. (The secular world is another story: all talk about tolerance and freedom but it is all so shallow.) Don't fear that your past can ruin your future when it comes to your vocation. This fear is not from God and he is certainly not punishing you.

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