I’ve had one of those weekends that was just emotionally draining. I went to visit my mother and my sister was visiting as well. It was a family friend’s birthday so we went out to lunch to celebrate, which is why me and my sister were visiting in the first place. I got there on Friday afternoon and left Sunday afternoon so it’s not even like I was there for a long time.
I love my family, I do. But sometimes being there is exhausting. I think my blood pressure shoots up the second I step into my mother’s house. I feel like I’m under constant pressure, I feel constantly stressed and on edge. I knew when I left St. Cecilia’s that things weren’t going to be easy with them. And that was when I was totally sure of my vocation! I can’t even begin to talk about it with them because they couldn’t understand when I was sure, and they’d just take my confusion as a sign that I’m not going to enter.
Despite all the confusion I have this bizarre sense that I have to go back to St. Cecilia’s. I don’t know why I feel like that. I don’t know whether that’s from God or if it’s just me but it’s the only sure thing I have right now. I think I said the same thing before, and possibly that says more about things than I’m seeing right now. But the thought of not going back feels wrong. I think about going back and deciding that it’s not for me and that feels wrong. Going back and deciding to enter seems right. I couldn’t even begin to describe why, or how I feel that, or what that even means.
I’m going to send an email to Mother Mistress soon, letting her know how I’m doing and so on. I haven’t contacted her since I left in July so I really should! The other thing I’ve been thinking is that perhaps I need someone to talk to – an non-internet kind of someone. There’s something on the vocations website for my diocese (I know the Consecrated Life section almost by heart now) so I may have to bite the bullet and ring/email Father.