Mourning

I haven’t posted much recently, and the reason for that is that I’ve been struggling. I have this same problem in that I need to go to Reconciliation, but I just can’t. I don’t feel contrite. I realise how awful that as, and it’s tearing at me but I’m just not. I want to be, I really want to be. And I suppose that’s something but it’s not enough. It’s getting better though, I can feel that pain in my soul from being separated from God and recently I haven’t felt that so I can only hope.

I feel like I’m in mourning. Most women who discern the religious life mourn marriage and children. I never had, I never mourned those things. For me, those were not sacrifices. Very little felt like a sacrifice, if I am honest. It might have done further down the line but to me I was always so ready to give things up. I grew up moving a lot, you couldn’t be attached to people or things too much or at least be able to cope with giving things up. For me the greatest cross was my family’s pain, but I knew that was only temporary and would be replaced with a hundred times more joy. Marriage and children were not something I ever mourned. They were what I had always wanted for my life, but when I felt called to religious life I was able to instantly let it go.

I’m not letting go. I don’t know why but this time I’m mourning. I’m mourning the loss of St. Cecilia’s, of the abbey and the choir and the cells and the garden and my beautiful sisters. I’m crying as I type this, that’s how much I’m mourning. I loved it so much there that I wonder if I’m wrong about not being called, but I can’t tell if it’s because of my will or God’s will. I have been thinking of going back to St. Cecilia’s in the new year, not for a live-in but make a retreat on the outside. I feel this need to go back, even just to stay on the outside.

I’m just so confused right now. I’m still thinking of finding a spiritual director because I could do with something, anything right now.

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