Grieving

It’s been nearly a year since I decided I was not called to the religious life. Had I returned to St. Cecilia’s, I would possibly have been entering about this time of year. I made the right decision, not going back, I know that. I am happy in my life right now, I’ve finished university and I have a wonderful boyfriend. But, I suppose the reality of not going back has hit me hardest now. I still love the sisters as if they were my family. The news (posted on their website a few weeks ago) that my guardian angel makes her solemn profession in a few months filled me with both resounding joy and a deep sadness that I would not (as I had hoped) be there to celebrate with her. It is not where I am supposed to be, and I know that. But I have yet to fully make peace with it. To quote my first post when back from my live-in, “I love the community, I love the Office, I love the Latin, I love the work, I love everything about it.” The loss of something I loved so much is not an easy thing, and I still grieve for it. I would like to go back, someday, even just to visit because it was such a beautiful place. But perhaps that desire is a sign that I am not fully detached yet.

Even now, I can feel tears in my eyes.

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