Perseverance and Betrayal

I think I am struggling particularly this week because this weekend is Sister MTo’s solemn profession. Sister MTo was the junior who was my guardian angel when I was at St. Cecilia’s. She is so lovely, and I am so happy for her. Like a few months ago that might have been around my entrance day, this is an event I expected to be a part of. I’ve had to change so many expectations for my future. Much like missing special occasions is an adjustment for those who enter religious life, for me I’m experiencing this struggle to adjust to not being a part of those special occasions in the convent.

There is a sort of assumption when one is discerning the religious life that the religious life is indeed their vocation. As a discerner you often hear this pious sentiment of people hoping that you ‘persevere in your vocation’. I have no doubt that the sentiment is meant with the best of intentions. But this notion of perseverance functions on the assumption that one’s vocation is indeed to religious life. That way of thinking makes me feel like I did something wrong, that religious life was my vocation and I did something to lose it. I am trying very hard to see God’s will in what I have experienced. I pretend that I have, but I don’t. I feel betrayed, as awful a thing as that is say. I can’t understand how God could lead me to that life, the life that I fell so in love with, and then take it away from me. I trusted Him so completely and I feel like He betrayed me by leading me only to hurt. Did He think I was worthy and then change His mind? Did I do something wrong?

I am jealous of my friends who are applying, entering, approaching their clothing. I know that is terrible. I know that the religious life is not my vocation. But seeing them have a life that I wanted to badly but was taken from me still hurts.


6 thoughts on “Perseverance and Betrayal

  1. I am praying for you Emily. From my experience discerning, God gives you the desires for a certain vocation because he especially does not lead you somewhere where you will be unhappy. But I guess the other part to that is sort of contrary, one of my friends who is now in the order that I will be entering said to not follow your feelings but let your feelings follow you. I guess what you need to want and understand the most is God’s desires for your life and you will find them in the silence of your heart. God bless you dear sister in Christ!!!

  2. OFM@3057-Moo says:

    Your Welcome My Sister In Christ and Christian Friend Jesus Gave me This In Prayer one early morning “Our Spiritual Christian Is All About Our Lord Jesus Christ” You may use this quote Emily.
    Blessed Blessings,

  3. I understand exactly what you mean about missing events in the convent. Though I am still discerning religious life, I had had my heart set on a certain convent which it turned out I was not meant to enter, and now I am stuck waiting for a response from a different one. I still miss it so much — yesterday I saw a picture of all the new postulants, and I felt terribly excluded and lonely, though of course it was my own decision and God’s will. I too am struggling to accept what God wants, but I try to remember that what He has planned is the best and most beautiful thing, and if I went my own way I’d definitely regret it. Praying for you!

  4. OFM@3057-Moo says:

    Emily ,i was a Franciscan in Formation I went though this as well I will pray Special for you n this I Pray that All is fine and Well With You Spiritually and in All other ways as well.

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