I think I am struggling particularly this week because this weekend is Sister MTo’s solemn profession. Sister MTo was the junior who was my guardian angel when I was at St. Cecilia’s. She is so lovely, and I am so happy for her. Like a few months ago that might have been around my entrance day, this is an event I expected to be a part of. I’ve had to change so many expectations for my future. Much like missing special occasions is an adjustment for those who enter religious life, for me I’m experiencing this struggle to adjust to not being a part of those special occasions in the convent.
There is a sort of assumption when one is discerning the religious life that the religious life is indeed their vocation. As a discerner you often hear this pious sentiment of people hoping that you ‘persevere in your vocation’. I have no doubt that the sentiment is meant with the best of intentions. But this notion of perseverance functions on the assumption that one’s vocation is indeed to religious life. That way of thinking makes me feel like I did something wrong, that religious life was my vocation and I did something to lose it. I am trying very hard to see God’s will in what I have experienced. I pretend that I have, but I don’t. I feel betrayed, as awful a thing as that is say. I can’t understand how God could lead me to that life, the life that I fell so in love with, and then take it away from me. I trusted Him so completely and I feel like He betrayed me by leading me only to hurt. Did He think I was worthy and then change His mind? Did I do something wrong?
I am jealous of my friends who are applying, entering, approaching their clothing. I know that is terrible. I know that the religious life is not my vocation. But seeing them have a life that I wanted to badly but was taken from me still hurts.