Today, I finally found something about the solemn profession of my friend last weekend. I sought it out, because she is my friend and I wanted to hear about it. I smiled at seeing her in a black veil, and thought how happy I was for her. But I also felt this pang of envy and hurt. The actual day I dealt with better than I thought I would. But it still hurts. I shouldn’t hurt like this. My boyfriend is a wonderful person, and I love him more than I ever thought possible. I am so happy when I think of us getting married. I don’t want to not be with him. So why is the sting still there? Why can I not simply be happy for my friends without feeling this hurt and envy?
I am now perpetually afraid of being wrong. If I could be so wrong once, could it not happen again? How can I be sure that what I feel is God’s will is true? How can I trust His will now? I’m too angry, too hurt, too betrayed.