Today, I saw about Mother Mistress’ Silver Jubilee a few months ago, and it stabbed at my heart again. I should have been there. I saw the photos, I saw Mother Mistress and my dear friends in the novitiate and I saw the abbey and the choir and it pained me. I torture myself by looking for news from them, I know that. I have no right, no reason to feel this pain and this longing. I am mourning the loss of something that I never had to start with!
I do believe that [marriage] is probably your path. Oh, how those words stung me! I am happy, but I am not at peace. I know, I know that the door to religious life is shut behind me. I took my foot out of the door when I was given those well-meaning and true but still stinging words. Now, I’m like a toddler throwing a tantrum because they want to get into the one place they’re not allowed. Not only that, but they also don’t want to leave the room they’ve been let into. No wonder God doesn’t listen to me anymore, doesn’t speak to me anymore. No wonder He didn’t want me.
I long for that peace, that total trust in God that I’ve lost. I can feel a stirring within myself, a desire to return to that. I can only describe this as a kind of progress. For a long time I have felt a great affinity with that famous prayer of St. Augustine, grant me chastity and continence, but not yet, only all aspects of faith. I’m not angry, although I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been. I’m just hurt and betrayed and I want to turn to God for comfort but I’ve lost my trust in Him. How can I trust in His will again when it has lead me to so much pain? How can I trust that I even know what His will is? How do I know that I was even doing His will?
Lord, have mercy.