Never vs. Not Right Now

When I was discerning religious life the call I felt was an immediate call. It was very much a right now. I visited a community two or three months after beginning to seriously discern and went to St. Cecilia’s two weeks after that. My live-in was six months after that, and that was the first opportunity I had for a visit that long since I was at university. When I ‘officially’ announced I was no longer discerning religious life, I was already in a relationship.

I have realised that I am no longer in a position to be urgent in the short-term. I have financial responsibilities I must attend to, amongst other things. I couldn’t enter a convent anytime soon anymore than I could get married anytime soon. But my mind is still in that place of immediacy, of wanting everything to be right now. I think that is a significant part of the distress I have felt recently – I have wanted things to be more immediate than is possible.

I have been so rushed, so hurried that I think I need to take space from any kind of vocational discernment and think about now for a while rather than focus on the future. I need to find myself again in my spiritual life without discernment.