Recently I have felt very much like St. Augustine’s famous prayer: “Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.” I’ll do your will Lord, but not yet. I’ll stop this sinful habit, but not yet. The conflict between temptation and conscience is especially hard when one is experiencing darkness. But it’s when you are in your darkest times that the grace of God really amazes you. I haven’t felt His presence or His grace in a while. This weekend I had this moment of grace and while I’m not all the way there in repairing my closeness with God I now know that I can do it and that He is still with me. God is indeed good!
Something I have been struggling with is how to find intimacy with the Lord again. My closest intimacy with the Lord came from my discernment of religious life, I understood my relationship with Christ very much as being His bride. So for me, I now have to see my relationship with Christ in a different way, and learn to understand it in a different way. I haven’t seen before how and I still can’t quite see it.
But I have hope.