I’ve written 200 posts on this blog, in just over 2 years. The journey I’ve undertaken, and am still undertaking, has been remarkable.
I am not a patient person. When something takes hold in my heart I want to act now, it consumes me. That is what religious life was to me. It took hold in my heart, it consumed me, and I acted very much now. I’ve posted already about the immediacy of it and I wonder if my feelings of doubt that I’ve experienced in both feeling called to religious life and called to marriage are a part of my tendency to rush. I am feeling very much at the moment that I was right in thinking that not right now is the way to approach these things for the moment.
It seems very trivial, and I am not daring to think that everything will be wonderful now, but since my moment of grace I have found myself able to pray for the first time in along time. I am not yet at where I used to be, where prayer was natural and comfortable and I could pray without words. My prayers are recitations and for so long I would say the words and feel empty still but now they have some meaning back, there is connection there. I am not foolish enough to believe that God listens to them, but I have hope.