When I stopped discerning religious life, I said I didn’t believe I was called to religious life. That was a lie. I realise in hindsight that I felt such pain and difficulty because I was trying to convince myself of something I didn’t truly believe. This is not a “I’m discerning religious life again” post, because I’m not. When I stopped discerning religious life, I lost a connection to God and to my faith and I can’t find it again.
I remember a time when I could be transfixed in Adoration and adore Him for hours, when my greatest and most ardent desire was for His will, when felt His presence in my life. I don’t feel any of that anymore. I don’t feel a call to anything, or even that He is present. Nothing has changed in what I believe and know to be true, but I want that devotion back, that deep presence of God in my life.
I need Him.