I feel like I’m at a stage where I’m stuck. I know what I am called to, what I want to do. But U’m still unable to actually do anything about it. I don’t have the funds to visit any communities until the new year. Even if I could visit a community right now, I still have to finish university and obviously that’s not until June of next year. And then after that I have to pay of my student loans – admittedly my loans aren’t as bad as they could be because my mother has paid for half but it’s still a debt I have to pay off.
It’s not that I regret going to university, I think it was an important experience and at 18 I wouldn’t have been ready to enter religious life. I have regrets about my time, I’ll admit that, but in the end I know that I needed the time to grow up. And of course if I do not enter religious life then I will need my degree. But I do feel that I’m now stuck with this debt that will be an obstacle to me entering religious life until I can pay it off. Although like I said I don’t regret going to university, it’s still frustrating that it has become an obstacle to my vocation. And who knows how long it might take for me to pay the debt. I know that if I am truly called then it won’t go away but I just hate that it has to be postponed because of my education.
I do realise these concerns are getting ahead of myself – I haven’t even visited a community yet! But that is my next step and I just get this feeling that I’ll find a community that I love and that thinks I would fit there but then not being able to actually enter for what could be a significant period of time. So often now in my daily life I find myself craving what I know I could have in religious life. Even in little things, I find this desperate desire to live that life. Maybe this is God teaching me to be patient, that I can’t have everything straight away and some things have to be worked towards. I suppose this is true for religious life, I would spend almost six years there before I took solemn vows, so I guess I have to try and treat this period in the same way.